Category: submission

A Literary Pun

A friend’s Ranger is a mountain man type, we found him by himself in the woods and sort of adopted him into our party. His name is Anri. We played for weeks before he revealed his full name. 

Anri Dafid Thoroh. Who lived by himself at Wallden Pond. I’m impressed our friend played for so many sessions without giving away their pun of a character.

The Silver Dragon

So I am fairly new to DnD and so far I have a lot of interesting stories that happened between all of our characters including one of our characters getting the mind version of an STD. But that isn’t my favorite.

My favorite is where my noob showed.

Earlier in the adventure, my character (a metal warforge monk who doesn’t have to breath) decided to walk in a river to find any treasure. The river is one that dwarves use to travel a lot so I ended up finding metals, gold, and gems. Awesome! that really paid off (I proceeded to walk into ever river I see since then including one that was a 95 foot drop. I got out.) Also earlier I had to assist in building myself a new body. Now my character is freaking great at being a smithy. I am talking like +20 between all of the bonuses I gathered.

Because I was in debt because someone decide to break my arm and enlist help from others to fix me, I needed to go get silver dragon scales or 17,000 gold since my body was made of mithral. Not knowing how I was going to do this, I just moved on with life till I figured it out. Bought a master work hammer because if I am apparently master smithy now I should have a good hammer (or any hammer), wrap the handle in cloth for extra effect and back to the dwarven city where we are staying for now!

So I research that Silver Dragons like jewelry and stuff like that so me with my metals and master hammer go down to the dwarven forges to make some jewelry (I ended up making a wondrous ring, yes I still have it) till I was satisfied with the amount I had. Leave my baby sentient ring up in my room, take a party member with me that is lawful something so the dragon doesn’t decide to keep ME, and up the mountain to find the dragon.

The thing is….The dragon is ancient. I had no idea what that meant and I only sent two characters to go grab the scales I need. Couldn’t be too big, right? Wrong. One conversation, a thank you to god that my character wasn’t kept as decoration, and two loose scales in our possession later it was time to head back down the mountain.

Only the scales were as tall as my character.

My character is 6’‘9’

After many people explaining to me my noobish mistake (though I got two dragon scales, what ya’ll complaining about), we decided to surf the dragon scales down the mountain. We couldn’t take it into the city that way, so we ended up having to drag them. Of course there was a commotion when we entered the DWARVEN city with TWO GIANT SILVER DRAGON SCALES. One of our party members noticed and I ended up having my character act like it was nothing special. We are keeping one scale and giving the other to the druids. Don’t know how we are going to get it to the druids, but we will figure that out later.

This was also the character that believed literally everything another character said even after it was proven that they had been lying to her.

Ragnarok asks for my help

In our D&D campaign I play a pyrokinetic wolf named Woof. Well, a sword that belonged to a fallen teammate, Oxford, suddenly became possessed and kept trying to get Woof to take it. Woof initially took the sword, but after it got an attitude, (btw, Woof is the only one who can hear the sword) Woof realized that a possessed fire sword cannot end well. Thus, he tried to chuck it; 3 times, and each time it came back to him. After several attempts by Woof to get rid of it, the sword made itself into a pair of gauntlets that Woof could not take off. He tried everything: pulling them off, gnawing at them, banging them against a rock, banging them against each other. Each time just resulted in the gauntlets hurting Woof. Then, when they finally got off of Woof, it turns out they had left a gaping hole in Woof’s arm. After a lot of arguing with the sword, it revealed it’s true form: a tall demon person, which revealed itself to be Ragnarok, Satan’s brother. Now they have a deal: if Woof helps Ragnarok kill Satan, Ragnarok will give Woof some of his power, and leave him alone. This is as far as the story has gotten so far, but if there are more funny moments, I’ll try to give an update. 

Regular

For context: I played a one off campaign with some friends over Skype. We came out of the sewers, covered in dirt and blood and grime. Our bard had crazy high persuasion and I, a monk, has high intimidation.

Bard: I’m going to bathe in the muddy puddle next to us and persuade the entire town into thinking I’m clean.

DM, after a long suffered sigh: Fine. Roll persuasion.

Bard rolls, gets a nat 20.

DM: Fucking, fine. The entire town thinks you’re very clean and smell pleasant.

Me: I want to intimidate the town into thinking I’m clean then.

DM: Y’all are killing me. Roll intimidation.

I roll a 19, but with my modifier added I get a 24.

DM: People kinda realize you’re dirty but they’re too scared to say anything. The decided to ignore it.

Later that game I also accidentally slept with the boss monster.

Regular

My friend wrote a campaign where we were pulling a heist at a casino. I was playing a half elf paladin, and before our game we had this interaction.

DM: So, you’re a paladin. Would your character be okay with robbing a casino with a bunch of criminals?

Me: I’m chaotic good.

DM: So? You’re still a Paladin.

Me: I’m chaotic, so I do shit like Rob casinos. I’m good, so I do it against bad people. I’m a vengeful paladin.

DM, after a long moment: Fine. I will be keeping an eye on you and your alignment.

By the end of the campaign she changed me to lawful evil

Dysfunctional team

In our first campaign ever, actually, our team, consisting of a human paladin, a wood-elf druid, a dragonborn wizard and a half-orc barbarian, were assaulted by goblins. We slew them all, except one. Our barbarian was such a pacifist that he actually picked up the last goblin, ran away into the forest, and struck a deal with him to lead him to the goblin caverns in order to broker a peace with the goblins. Obviously, the goblins assaulted him and nearly ate him at arrival, and the rest of the team had to get him out. Which we did by killing everything. By the time we got him out (along with a new human ally and the goblin he befriended) the team had gotten so dysfunctional that the only reason we didn’t stab the barbarian in the back was that the goblin was to pure and innocent. Also, someone had released our horses, so the dragonborn and the half-orc had to drag a wagon filled with supplies, two humans, a wood-elf and a goblin to the next town

Neutral Good

I was DMing a game and my party was fighting a nothic that was guarding the bridge into a stronghold. Once it dropped to 2hp it began begging for its life.

Nothic: “Wait! Those thugs don’t pay me enough for this. Please, let me live!”

Dragonborn Wizard: “Why should we?”

N: “I’ll let you cross the bridge with no further hassle!… And I’ll throw in my chest of treasure, too!”

DW: “Nah, you’re free to go. Just don’t bother us again.”

N: “Wha-…are you sure? I mean, it’s a lot of good stuff I’ve got.”

DW: “Yup, just get out of here.”

The nothic ended up getting offended and left the treasure chest on the bridge while my party wasn’t looking during a short rest.

captain burnyhands

my friend wrote this on are groups behalf (he is the fighter)

So, our group was sent out on a mission to retrieve a shipment of ore for the local blacksmith. It had been expected to arrive five days prior, but it had never showed up. We made our way out of the city, and eventually found its wreckage a few days up the road. There were several corpses nearby, one of which was missing an arm, which had been severed in an impossibly clean manner in a single strike.

We also found some tracks, which we followed and, eventually, traced back to a nearby cave. Outside the cave, we saw a group of 5 bandits, two of whom were in a makeshift watchtower keeping guard over the area. The DM expected us to take the battle on headfirst.

We did not.

Our first thought was to try to snipe the occupants of the watchtower, but this was swiftly vetoed due to the fact that the rest of the bandits would have noticed. Then we had a second thought. Our party had two tieflings in it, both with thaumaturgy as a racial talent. One of them used it to create an explosion noise on the opposite side of the camp, while the other created a mild earthquake to make it seem as if the ground had shaken from the force of the blast.

We expected some of the bandits to leave to investigate, and indeed the bandits were shaken, physically and mentally. One of them made to go investigate, but was swiftly berated by the occupants of the watchtower for leaving his post. So Operation Explosion was a bust. Then, the bard had an idea.

He used prestidigitation and set the watchtower on fire.

One of the bandits panicked and tried to put the fire out. With his bare hands. He failed, and now his hands were burnt and his clothes were on fire. His friend then came over and attempted to put him out, and succeeded in the attempt. He then tried to put out the fire in the tower, and my fighter, having absolutely none of that, pulled out his crossbow and sniped him. Roll initiative.

My fighter went first, followed by the archers in the tower. They tried to shoot the only combatant they could see, which was of course my fighter. They missed. My fighter flipped them off.

The bandit who had earlier attempted to put the fire out with his bare hands, did the exact same thing once again. Predictably, it failed, and his hands were burnt even further. It was at this point that the party, nearly collapsed with laughter, dubbed him “Captain Burnyhands”. His friend came over and attempted to put out the fire with his cape, with considerably more success. The vampire and rogue closed in, with the rogue adamantly refusing to do anything at all combat related.

The bard, having noticed that the watchtower was not in fact on fire, decided to rectify that, and set it on fire again. On a different leg this time, to maximise the structural damage. The archers fired at my fighter. They missed. I flipped them off.

Captain Burnyhands then had an epiphany. Seeing as he could no longer feel his hands, he reasoned that they would be perfect tools to bludgeon the fire out. Against everyone’s expectations, he succeeded. Then the rogue ambushed him and tied him up with a rope.

We’re not sure if it was his burny hands or the situation in general, but Captain Burnyhands then broke down and started crying. The archers fired at my fighter again. They missed. I flipped them off.

The surviving bandit on the ground (who still had functioning hands and wasn’t subdued) proceeded to charge my fighter, and ran past the vampire, who got an attack of opportunity. He stopped directly in front of my fighter. The vampire then scaled the watchtower and begun to attack the archers. They shot at him. They missed. He flipped them off.

Before the bandit could act, my fighter fired a point blank crossbow bolt into his heart. He was dead in moments, but he had the time to look up at the burning watchtower, and Captain Burnyhands crying on the ground, and say his last words: “Fuck me.” My fighter replied “I already did.” The bard, feeling bad for Captain Burnyhands, ran up to him to try and persuade him to join our side. Captain Burnyhands cried even harder.

It was at this point that the bandit chief came out of the cave, and shouted at the bandits for disturbing his sleep. He then noticed the fighting, and ran up to the bard and took three attacks, shouting “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO LAURENCE?!”

He missed them all. He then proceeded to charge my fighter. The bard then used healing word…on Captain Burnyhands. He was no longer Captain Burnyhands, we presumed that he must have been Laurence.

My fighter then proceeded to miss both of this attacks, one of which i used an action surge for, because the chief had an AC of 16 (actually 15, the DM fucked up the numbers). The chief proceeded to retaliate, and was far more effective, cutting my HP in half. The sorceror then proceeded to latch onto him with a witch bolt and begin draining his HP, while the vampire, rogue and bard rushed to assist.

Before they could do much, however, my fighter went down. However, the bard cast healing word again, bringing him back into the fight. He made several more attacks, hitting the vampire and the fighter, leaving the fighter on 2 HP. We managed to give as good as we received, however, and eventually a combination of huge amounts of attacks and HP drain from witch bolt brought him down.

It was at this point that the party debated what to do about Captain Burnyhands, who we found out was named Laurence Burns. See, he had been tied up and taken captive in the middle of battle, which technically made him our prisoner. The vampire was all for executing him for being in our way, but the fighter, a knight, was averse to executing an unarmed prisoner, and suggested taking him back to town and turning him over to the proper authorities.

The vampire then pointed out that, because the party was theoretically equal, and the fighter hadn’t taken him prisoner, it wasn’t his decision to make. We asked the rogue, who was the one who had done so, what he believed, and eventually we put it to an unofficial vote, where the party ended up coming down on the side of the vampire. The fighter begrudgingly agreed, but asked to stage an interrogation beforehand.

The rogue decided that, depending on how cooperative he was, he would either be quickly executed via the vampire draining his blood (which would, as the vampire pointed out, take about 30 seconds) or slowly and painfully tortured to death. At this point, the NPC cleric, a tagalong to replace our missing member on the day, chimed in, saying that he could use zone of truth to aid the questioning, to which we all agreed. The questioning lasted ten minutes (realtime), during which we could ask him as many questions as we liked. We questioned him on the nature of his job, who he was, what his gang had been up to, and what was in the cave ahead. As we finished asking questions, the timer began to run down to the final ten seconds, and the vampire declared his intention to start feasting.

My fighter stepped forward, drew his sword, and beheaded Captain Burnyhands, killing him instantly.

The table pretty much instantly went into an uproar after this. The vampire was furious, the bard had apparently wanted to hug him goodbye, and the DM asked that I make an alignment check. I then proceeded to explain that my fighter had killed Captain Burnyhands because he would otherwise be killed by the vampire, which would have been drawn-out and painful either way. As a knight, he couldn’t allow a prisoner under his charge to experience that, so he gave him a quicker death as a mercy killing, rather than just executing him for the fun of it. The DM acknowledged this, and withdrew the request.

The vampire, however, was still fuming about losing his meal. I pointed out that there were plenty of freshly dead corpses for him to drain blood from, but he was apparently looking forward to having a fresh meal for once. I then pointed out that if we had to live on preserved rations and dried food, he could suffer through some corpse blood. He then proceeded to say that he was thinking of burning the fighter’s rations as a response, but we ended up having to end the session there.

A Light Tap

In one D&D session we had been travailing for weeks and decided to rest in a tavern, it was a clean tavern not like one we had been in before so we played it cool and acted like normal folk. We spoke to the sweet old lady who ran the in and she set us up in separate rooms for the night. Now two things you should know my character is a tiny dark elf with a massive hammer shaped like a fist, it is the size of her. This tiny unassuming dark elf is surprisingly strong, she is also a heavy drinker she has been drunk for decades she has not spent a day sober. The next day she wakes up with the hangover of a lifetime waiting for her companion to wake up seemed like a bad idea so I decided to lightly tap on the door with my hammer to see if she was awake. Our DM made me roll for it. I rolled a 20. The door splintered into a thousand pieces, my friend was now awake. I suggested we run and never come back but as we got to the stairs the little old lady found us. Furious she demanded we fix her door. As I broke the door she demanded I fix it and banned me from receiving alcohol until I did. my character lives for alcohol. So I agreed to fix it. 

And that is how we spent an entire session in a tavern fixing a little old ladys door.

At least you tried

Okay so I had my first DnD session yesterday, and it was only me and this other girl. I don’t really remember her character’s name, but for the sake of names, I’ll call her Miri. She’s a high elf wizard. And then there’s my wood elf ranger, Solavellis

So they’re walking in a very dark and monster infested woods, when they hear cries for help. It’s a merchants cart. The husband is injured, the wife is trying to stop the horse from running off, a wolf is eating the already dead horse, and two goblins are on either side of the cart.

Solavellis sneaks around to the left and successfully hides in some bushes. Miri tries, but…Gets caught by the goblin on the right. Because of my high stealth check, I had a surprise round. So to stop us from being spotted too soon, I roll. I get a 21 on aim, and an 8 on damage. Solavellis kills the goblin in one shot.

Because the wolf is a higher level, Miri targets that with magic missile. It doesn’t…Go to plan though. The minimum score is 6, so Miri just singes it’s fur. The wolf obviously isn’t happy, so it attacks her. It’s my turn again, so Solavellis decides to save her. I roll high on both again, Solavellis once again, one shot kills an enemy.

Then it’s the last goblins turn. He spotted Solavellis, so he charges towards him. The goblin slices through Solavellis’s armour and injures him by 4hp (out of 11hp).

Miri tries to help again. She uses her firebolts. Instead of hitting the goblin, she just narrowly misses Solavellis, singing his eyebrows.

Then it’s my turn.

Can you guess what happens?

Solavellis takes one step back, and

One shot kills the last goblin.

By the end the other girl and I, including her brother who was watching and the DM, are laughing so hard we’re crying.

A for effort though 👌