Category: submission

The Birth of the Language of Backflip

So, this is the first session of our campaign. There’s a fountain in the middle of the map.

Garry that guard decides to do a backflip, just because. He rolls an 18 and lands it.

The next player says, I’m gonna do a front flip!! He’s playing a paladin, with -7 acrobatics, and also he’s standing in the fountain.

He rolls a 3. His character starts the front flip, lands on his face, and starts drowning.

Later on, we’re now in a back room, all of us but Garry. So, he busts down the door, looks around, and attempts a backflip.

He rolls a 1.

And face plants. He gets up and tries again.

Rolls a 1. Face plants again, and we decide to tie him up, for his own good, when he decides to do another backflip.

He’s tied up in a chair, with a -3 acrobatics.

He rOLLS A 20, DM rolls a 6 on a d6, and hE LANDS THE FLIP.

Redemption, and the language of backflip was born.

Don’t piss of your primary mode of transportat…

    So, first couple session of a new campaign, and we had a teifling swashbuckler, a halfling bard, and (my character) Perun, a firbolg cleric. Due to the slower walking speed of the halfling and the carrying capacity of Perun, the halfling typically rode on my shoulder.

     Anyways, one evening we are in a small tavern run by a Dragonborn lady, near my character’s size, trying to get mead and a place to sleep. The entire conversation the halfling character is trying to get me to hit on her and is making lewd suggestions and puns, much to the amusement of all of us around the table. However due to Perun’s low charisma and outlander background he gets embarrassed and barely get’s food. As the tavern lady walks away, she scoffs to the halfling, “Not scaly enough for me”

     Next day with the embarrassment behind, the party sets out along a path that eventual has a group of kobolds picking over dead bodies. In my wisdom Perun, uses thaumaturgy to increase his voice and screams in Giant at the kobolds, causing roughly a third to run away without looking our way. The halfling in my ear immediately says, “That definitely tipped the scales”. Perun (who may have some rage issues) immediately tossed her towards the remaining kobold. This immediately killed the kobold and scattered the rest. It started our use of the new move called the “Half-Fling”.

Korthos Comforts Deltas

So this wasn’t really during a campaign but my DnD buddies were messing around on Discord and my friend (who’s character’s name is Deltas) said something along the lines of “Deltas is currently crying in the club rn” and I replied with “Korthos is laughing in the club rn because he doesn’t know how to react to social situations”. Keep in mind that Korthos is a rogue lizardfolk, and lizardfolk tend to not understand emotions or feelings aside from aggression, pleasure, and fear. I then proceeded to talk as Korthos, saying “Why are you wasting fluids, Deltas? You can use them later.” Deltas replies with “Why would I use tears?”, to which Korthos replies with “To rehydrate, Deltas”. Deltas then cries even harder, to which Korthos laughs harder.

I Accidentally Seduce the Right Hand Man of th…

Things to note: Okay, so this was me and my sister’s first time playing dungeons and dragons with my sis as dm. So, this was supposed to be a trial session, nothing more. Also, this happened last year so I may not remember a few things correctly. The events were like this.

So I, a bronze dragonborn rogue, got separated from my party aka kidnapped. I wake up in a cell, all of my weapons and equipment gone save for my lock picking kit except the only thing inside was a pin and something else that I couldn’t remember.

Either way, useless.

However, I didn’t give up. I was getting out. I managed to find out that a wall was hollow thanks to a good investigation roll. I managed to break my fingers from trying to break the wall (thanks dice). I resorted to hitting it with my tail, which actually worked. The wall finally gave out, revealing a corridor.

So, I go down there in the dark. Eventually I come across a fork. After investigating one corridor, which turned out to lead to a kitchen, I went to the other one.

So, imagine this: huge metal door, like those fancy huge ones that you see in castles, with this hatch. So I approach it and before I could do anything, the hatch opens and an eye pears out, it looks around before finally spotting me.

“Password?” A voice asks.

Now, I could simply say that I got lost and leave but nah. I was feeling adventurous and curious. So, I said that I was with someone. Voice asks me who I was with.

Guess what name I used.

“Enyo.” I confidently lied. “Enyo Fez.”

Yes. I actually said that. I didn’t expect the guy to fall for it. Hell, I got a bad roll. By some miracle, my sister’s roll was lower. In other news, he fell for it, there was an actual Enyo Fez inside and I am mistaken for the guy’s date. So I decided to roll with it even though I’m not dressed appropriately and I have a hand with broken fingers.

Two things I realized when I entered:
1) This was one of those parties where people get together to hook up. (I know there’s a name for it but I can’t put my finger on it)

2) This was full of monsters and villains. Yes. It was a Villains Gala or something.

So, I’m being led to my table, I’m white as a sheet after realizing that one wrong move could get me killed and also the fact some people (probably already tipsy) were either giving me the bedroom eyes or flirting with me. I even got someone’s number.

Eventually I reach my date’s table. Dragonborn, just like me only red, only more appropriately dressed, rather good-looking in Dragonborn standards.

This is where things get foggy but all I know is that thanks to the dice, he actually thought I was his date. I guess this was the first time he gets to meet his date face to face. He even had a picture of his date and I managed to lie that apparently ‘I had trouble getting dates because I was a dragonborn’ or something and he fell for it. We even waltzed, by the way. It was fake and magical at the same time.

Cue my sister telling me to roll for perception (I think it was). I made a good roll and I found out that “my” date was absolutely smitten. Crap.

Then he leads me away from the crowd and to this huge fancy window which shows a starry night and a bright full moon. I already had a bad feeling about it and turns out I was right. He was gonna confess that he likes me or was about to when a waiter came over to give him a letter.

A letter from his actual date who was apparently too sick to come.

While he was reading it out loud, I pulled a Cinderella and snuck the hell out of there and to a nearby fire exit which led outside. My sister added that I accidentally dropped my lock picking kit, which had my initials engraved on it, which my date picked up. And kept. Yeah. It turned into the world’s stupidest Cinderella story.

But wait, it gets stupider.

I managed to reach the inn where my party was. I told them a bit of what happened, leaving the date out because no you did NOT need to know about that. I get my fingers patched up, have dinner and hit the sack but before I do, I chat with my estranged family via this crystal ball (borrowed from one of my groupmates) that my sister came up as the verse’s version of a phone.

Anyway, I tell them what happened again leaving out the date part. Apparently, there have been missing person’s reports and rumors about this secret place where they serve people to the guest. You can guess where this is going.

So, I gave my dad, who was head of the investigation, the number that I got, which apparently belonged to a crime boss, I think. He said his thanks and we parted. I hit the sack.

So the next day, I read the paper. So, the place got invaded by my dad’s forces. A lot of people either died or got arrested. Few managed to escape. One of those that escaped was Enyo, who, thanks to my sister’s adlib, was apparently a dark paladin of Tiamat. I used to be an acolyte of Bahamut, her enemy, before I dropped out.

Unfortunately, the plot was so good, it needed to be continued. And that’s how we accidentally made a trial session into a full on session. All because I accidentally seduced the Right Hand Man of the Final Boss my sister was planning.

Russian Paladin

At the start of a new campaign, it’s our first fight. We’re escorting a merchant caravan when we are attacked by kobalds.

Bard:*fires an arrow at one of the kobalds in front of the paladin*

*arrow misses*

Bard: FUCK

Paladin (me): *nongeographical accent* Poor song man. This is how we do in my country. *slams morning star into inside head and kills it with one hit*

Rogue: OUR PALADIN IS RUSSIAN?!?!

Monk: Can Russians even be paladins?

Regular

My friend has recently started dm-ing with this campaign that we’re in. In the beginning of the campaign, we got kidnapped and sucked into a portal onto a continent halfway across the world where we were offered shelter at a hotel.
At this point one of our players lost communication with us for a bit and so we decided to play without her and have everyone wander about the town for a bit.
One player (a half elf half orc cleric) decides to take her brother character (the twin brother who is a palidan) and one of the other party members (a tiefling bard) shopping for a warhammer. The warhammers in the town ended up being mega expensive bc they were super enchanted and lvl 20 items.
They tried to cast a spell on the shop keeper to get her to hand over the items but she passed the check and knew what was up. As a result she kicks them out of the shop and flips them off.
Now is when the orc part is important. The cleric decides to attack the shop keeper because apparently when orcs are offended it wounds them physically. The ensuing battle resulted in the cleric falling flat on her face, the palidan using savage attack to protect his sister, and the bard using a shovel to knock the shop keeper out.
The entire table is dying of laughter at this point because the dm didnt expect it and was complaining that they didnt come up with stats for her bevause they didnt think it would come up. It was all fun and games until the dm rolls a dice and goes “oh” and then slams down one of their death save skulls as the table suddenly goes silent.
The shop keeper ended up living but only after she was knocked unconscious and they stole her merch and used one of her healing potions on her. And only later did the party find out that the penalty for stealing in this continent was death due to limited resources.
Tldr: part of party who was just supposed to just be shopping ended up almost killing a shopkeeper and getting the entire party arrested with the death penalty.

…And Justice for all.

Nearing the end of a fantastic 7 hour 4th of July game, our party finally came across the end boss (a horned devil) and his minions. My character, Kaos, (Aarakocra gunslinger level 8 who has the appearance of a bald eagle) was keeping his distance on a nearby rooftop as the rest of the party was fighting the minions below.

Throughout the whole game, I have been keeping my secret weapon hidden from the party; a firework launcher with damage that the DM had yet to tell me. I figured that this was the best opportunity to use it. For context, the gunslinger class has grit points which work similar to a Monk’s Ki points.

DM: Okay [me], your turn.

Me: *Starts National anthem on phone* “…Kaos begins singing to himself as he loads the Patriot.”

The rest of the party is very confused at this moment, while the DM grins and says, “Roll to hit.”

I thought for a moment, looking through my abilities, and was excited when I remembered one called Deadshot, which allows me to gain a +1 bonus to the attack roll with each Grit point spent. If the attack hits, it deals damage normally, with an additional dice of weapon damage per grit point spent. I decided to use my remaining 6 grit points. (6 Grit points = +6 to hit, +6d[firearm damage dice])

The DM notices my expression, asking what I found. I explain Deadshot to him.

DM: *Shocked expression* “…6… 6 times weapon damage dice?”

Me: “Yep! I’m able to do that, right?”

DM: *Shocked expression turns almost maniacal* “…YES. YES YOU CAN.”

Now I am confused. I roll to hit, and land a total attack roll of 29 (15+8+6).

Me: “Nice, what’s the damage?”

*DM slowly reveals a small container filled with small d6’s, 18 of them.*

DM: *Trying and failing to contain his excitement* “…This… would have been your damage without Deadshot… Go ahead and… roll for… 108d6 damage!”

Now the whole table is laughing like maniacs and celebrates for a minute or two as I roll the container of dice 6 times over, using a calculator to add up the damage.

Me: “447!”

DM: “As Kaos finishes singing, he fires the rocket appropriately named ‘Fat Man’ at the devil. It explodes on his chest, killing him instantly and enveloping him and most of the buildings around him in bright colors of red, white, and blue. Everyone make a dexterity save.”

*Party rolls, everyone passes. It comes to my turn to roll.*

*Rolls a natural 1*

Me: “…… Well…. That’s unfortunate…”

DM: *Still laughing* “Overwhelmed by the freedom, Kaos places his hand over his chest and doesn’t move as a large rock crushes him, killing him instantly.”

Kaos was later resurrected by a party member who gave his life so I could live again.

A Literary Pun

A friend’s Ranger is a mountain man type, we found him by himself in the woods and sort of adopted him into our party. His name is Anri. We played for weeks before he revealed his full name. 

Anri Dafid Thoroh. Who lived by himself at Wallden Pond. I’m impressed our friend played for so many sessions without giving away their pun of a character.

The Silver Dragon

So I am fairly new to DnD and so far I have a lot of interesting stories that happened between all of our characters including one of our characters getting the mind version of an STD. But that isn’t my favorite.

My favorite is where my noob showed.

Earlier in the adventure, my character (a metal warforge monk who doesn’t have to breath) decided to walk in a river to find any treasure. The river is one that dwarves use to travel a lot so I ended up finding metals, gold, and gems. Awesome! that really paid off (I proceeded to walk into ever river I see since then including one that was a 95 foot drop. I got out.) Also earlier I had to assist in building myself a new body. Now my character is freaking great at being a smithy. I am talking like +20 between all of the bonuses I gathered.

Because I was in debt because someone decide to break my arm and enlist help from others to fix me, I needed to go get silver dragon scales or 17,000 gold since my body was made of mithral. Not knowing how I was going to do this, I just moved on with life till I figured it out. Bought a master work hammer because if I am apparently master smithy now I should have a good hammer (or any hammer), wrap the handle in cloth for extra effect and back to the dwarven city where we are staying for now!

So I research that Silver Dragons like jewelry and stuff like that so me with my metals and master hammer go down to the dwarven forges to make some jewelry (I ended up making a wondrous ring, yes I still have it) till I was satisfied with the amount I had. Leave my baby sentient ring up in my room, take a party member with me that is lawful something so the dragon doesn’t decide to keep ME, and up the mountain to find the dragon.

The thing is….The dragon is ancient. I had no idea what that meant and I only sent two characters to go grab the scales I need. Couldn’t be too big, right? Wrong. One conversation, a thank you to god that my character wasn’t kept as decoration, and two loose scales in our possession later it was time to head back down the mountain.

Only the scales were as tall as my character.

My character is 6’‘9’

After many people explaining to me my noobish mistake (though I got two dragon scales, what ya’ll complaining about), we decided to surf the dragon scales down the mountain. We couldn’t take it into the city that way, so we ended up having to drag them. Of course there was a commotion when we entered the DWARVEN city with TWO GIANT SILVER DRAGON SCALES. One of our party members noticed and I ended up having my character act like it was nothing special. We are keeping one scale and giving the other to the druids. Don’t know how we are going to get it to the druids, but we will figure that out later.

This was also the character that believed literally everything another character said even after it was proven that they had been lying to her.

Ragnarok asks for my help

In our D&D campaign I play a pyrokinetic wolf named Woof. Well, a sword that belonged to a fallen teammate, Oxford, suddenly became possessed and kept trying to get Woof to take it. Woof initially took the sword, but after it got an attitude, (btw, Woof is the only one who can hear the sword) Woof realized that a possessed fire sword cannot end well. Thus, he tried to chuck it; 3 times, and each time it came back to him. After several attempts by Woof to get rid of it, the sword made itself into a pair of gauntlets that Woof could not take off. He tried everything: pulling them off, gnawing at them, banging them against a rock, banging them against each other. Each time just resulted in the gauntlets hurting Woof. Then, when they finally got off of Woof, it turns out they had left a gaping hole in Woof’s arm. After a lot of arguing with the sword, it revealed it’s true form: a tall demon person, which revealed itself to be Ragnarok, Satan’s brother. Now they have a deal: if Woof helps Ragnarok kill Satan, Ragnarok will give Woof some of his power, and leave him alone. This is as far as the story has gotten so far, but if there are more funny moments, I’ll try to give an update.