Y’all. Y’all. D n D is Bullshit.
So my friends and I are playing. We come across a couple fuckton strong knights. My Friend says , I shit you not l,“I WANNA KISS HIM.” So our GM say, gimme a persuasion check. This BOI ROLLS A 24. Then our GM asks, what kind of kiss. Boi say, French kiss. GM says gimme a DEX check.
BOI ROLLS A FUCKING ONE (1) AND THE KNIGHT IS SO OFFENDED BY HIS TECHNIQUE, HE TRIES TO KILL US.
when u cast tasha’s hideous laughter on someone u show them an episode of rick and morty which is why a creature with an intelligence stat of 4 or lower isn’t affected
Can we fight the demogorgan?
So now that all my co-workers have seen stranger things
They all come to me and be like
Hey we should fight the demogorgan
And I say no
I’ve fought him before
And by that I mean I watched as he destroyed my poor fishman’s village and people as our party barely escaped with our brains and boat intact. My fish man has vowed to destroy the demogorgan. Who destroyed my poor fishman’s house with one tentacle.
So no Kurt, you guys will not be fighting the demogorgan
Just me and my fishman.
He was small standing about 4ft and wore all green, well mostly green but with red highlights in what looked like a dirty commercial holiday elf outfit with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. His face was fill of beard and he had hair covering up the back of his neck as if he was hiding something back there. His thick leather belt was lined with sharp weaponry but attached through a self made hole with some string looked like 3 cut, uncooked sausages with finger nails. When he talked it was a low graspy sound that surprised all of us, gripping us into what he had to say. He told us that he could help us, for a price.
I made a concept character for dnd, a halfling rough that was once a prisoner of the santa Claus work slave trade. #2619 “jingles”.
Long time dm here: rule of thumb for crab encounters is 10 crabs times the average level of the characters in the party
My players almost died to 9 crabs, you really think they could deal with 40?
My fiancé just said I’m faster than a unicorn and I️ think that’s the most beautiful compliment I’ve ever received.
D&D Experiences & the Signs
*I know it’s nerdy so use Mercury (or Mars)
* Also, all of these are synopsises of the real story
Aries: A party member went up to the guard, and failed a yes/no riddle. The second party member responds “no.” The guard doesn’t move, so the newbie stabs a guard, near the city gate (full of guards) and almost gets killed because “I WANT INTO THE BAR!!!!!”
Taurus: After completing a quest, 2 of 3 party memebers got into a fight outside of the Quest givers home. While the two battled, the other player told the woman they died and he got not only all their gold, but “extra compensation”. He later used it to get enchanted items from them.
Gemini: One player had two different characters, an Orc and Elf. They all got tired of the Orc, but he had cool ass weapons. They killed him, chopped his body up, and went to sell him in a nearby town. (Which “happened” to have a canniable problem).
Cancer: One of my party’s rouges kept to himself a lot, to the point that he saw Aries’s happen, and just went back to the Tavern and drank himself half to death.
Leo: I had a couple playing with us, and had to DM the two having sex. It was really, really awkward. The barkeep mentioned it the next morning.
Virgo: I was playing a lesbian Ranger, and a guy came up to me and slapped my ass. I went to decline, but his roll was a 16. I immediately turn around and go “Wow, I love it when my girls are so strong.” and he whips out his dick. I call my dog, and he chomps it off. Did I mention this was 5 minutes into a game?
Libra: This isn’t a story, but I have one Lawful player in a party of Chaotics. You’re the Lawful player of your friend group.
Scorpio: I had a friend who INSISTED he be a Werewolf, right off the bat. After his first transformation, the Party gets him to calm down and he returns to normal. I (DM) make sure to mention he is COMPLETELY naked. The entire party screams “ROLL FOR HIS DICK, ROLL FOR HIS DICK!” So I roll a d12. Shit lands on 12, and the party roars. He asks for a Charisma bonus. After that, whenever his penis was visible he got +2 CHA with all who liked dick and +2 Intimidation for men who didn’t.
Sagittarius: In a town square, a single bard stood on a stool in a circle. Everyone was in a trance, singing “99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, TAKE ONE DOWN PASS IT AROUND…” well, a party member (novice) jumps right into it and starts singing, tankard in hand. She gets stuck and her girlfriend had to save her (and considered not doing it).
Capricorn: I played as a Chaotic Evil with a Charisma of 20, so she naturally did Chaotic Good actions to cover herself. Everytime someone would step out of line or jeopardize my plans, I’d just look at them and go “Listen to me,” and roll. That’s you, deadass all the time.
Aquarius: After stealing a boat, the party drunkingly arrived to the town of Mikilt, full of Bards. They all kept on chanting “MAH KILT, MAH KILT, MAH MOTHERFUCKING KILT!!” and the entire town joined in.
Pisces: One time a player was sleeping in the back of a caravan for the entirity of a battle, only to wake up a turn after.
hot dnd action: got real excited bc i thought the dogs in the fey court were fey corgis, they were blink dogs instead. still told em they were good boys